everything here is fine. fine, fine, fine.

traveling from the middle east to austria? fine. settling into our friend's place? just fine. our workshops here in vienna all weekend? fine as wine. tomorrow, i hop on a plane to istanbul, and i imagine that should be just fine and, dare i say, dandy.

something brews below the surface. i believe that the word 'fine'-- just like the word 'interesting' or 'whatever'-- is a cop-out, filler word, the verbal equivalent of shrugging one's shoulders, looking away, and going 'meh!'

i'm really starting to grow tired of traveling, of going from country to country, of sleeping in different beds, of having to adjust to different time zones, local foods,cultural customs... which is everything my current path consists of. i'm really hungering for some regularity right about now. with a little more than one month to go before getting back to germany-- which should serve as home base for some time-- i'm entering the home stretch of this nomadic lifestyle. the itinerant terrain doesn't seem to be so conducive to a lazy stroll towards the finish line, however. nope, the next month is looks to stack on the most mileage i've done in a long time.

vienna to istanbul via plane. istanbul to lesvos via bus and ferry. lesvos to athens via overnight ferry. athens to monemvasia back to athens via car. athens to stockholm via plane. stockholm to oslo via train. oslo to frankfurt via plane. frankfurt to herxheim via car.

all in one month.

i'm ok with the traveling, really. i'm cool with the cultural change-- in fact, i really enjoy that the most. i can handle the random bedding situation. what's really bothering me is the backpack i'm carrying and the contents it contains. i am tired of wearing the same damn clothing all of the time. i've crossed so many different climate changes in so many different countries that packing to accommodate each possible forecast is nigh impossible while adhering to the airline maximum 20kg luggage limit. i end up wearing the same pair of jeans and rotate between three different shirts while layering every thicker piece of outwear i own in the cooler climates. it would have been easier to start colder and travel towards warmth, but fate has flipped the script.

the strange strain of homesickness i'm experiencing right now is centered around a full closet left behind at my parent's house in long island. walking through the wind-swept cobblestone streets of far-off places feeling more homeless than home-free, i can't help but question the presence of this newfound anchored attachment.  would any of the items there would be any different than the ones i have now? only a few things fit the body or the personality piloting it.

it's an odd feeling. i'm 78.5 kilos, or about 160 lbs. when i left nyc in august, i was 90 kilos. plus, there was little need to wear much more than some colorful shorts and a pair of sandals while living in india. julia used to joke about how funny i would look wearing a shirt. now she just wants me to eat more (don't worry, mom. i eat plenty. i'm healthy and strong.).

concern for my appearance was one thing i've never really worried much about, as i've always felt very comfortable in my surroundings and with myself. however, as my options for comfortable clothing are extremely limited-- as is my capacity for carrying it with me-- and my surroundings constantly changing, i am at somewhat of a loss to do much more than look forward to settling down in one place and find a routine to rectify.

in the meantime, going shopping only serves to frustrate me more. i can't seem to find anything i like, and when i do, it either isn't my size or isn't made for my gender. case and point: bench apparel. bench is an amazing clothing brand based in the uk who offers some really well-made fashionably technical gear. however, whereas the womens line has an assortment of cool looking gear-- replete with thumb holes (heaven-sent), parallel front double-zips for ventilation, and usefully fashionable collars-- any item in the mens line that i've found so far looks like american apparel in the year 2145. additionally, all of the cool stuff for women is almost half the price as the less-spectacular mens line. considering that i don't have that much euro to throw around, i just walk on by.

i didn't care that i don't have health insurance after getting in a serious motorcycle accident in vietnam. it hasn't bothered me that i've put off my college loans until further notice. i haven't thought twice about purchasing any of the plane tickets or various items necessary to get from from yoga studio a to yoga studio b. my life lately has found a nice balance between not taking money out of the bank while not putting any in. i'm thinking it's time to stop padding my mattress with bank notes and seriously start tipping the scales in a positive direction.for the first time since i left nyc back in 2007, i'm feeling the crunch of not having the full-time job. why? because i can't find nor buy the clothing i want.

how funny is that? i can't help but feel a little bit better and a little more thankful for the life i have if my biggest issue is not having enough money to buy nicer clothes. fine, whatever. at the end of the day, it's all good.